It will Never Be Me.

I will never be that person who stands out and draws attention and gets people wanting to get know me more. I will always be that girl who just stands in the background and gets ignored and missed and never known. This makes me very sad. I think we all want to be special. I guess it's just very disheartening to realize that I'm not special. I try really hard to make friends, and lately I've been trying extra hard, but I just can't seem to get it right. I feel like I just annoy everyone and they would prefer I not bother them. Maybe I should just accept this. I'd rather not force anyone to be my friend. Well, anyways, I haven't really posted in a long time, I've been out of town and just had a lot of school work to do. This is a really pointless thing to write though anyway because I don't think anyone really reads this. Anyways, until next time.





Rav

Nobody Really Cares

I don't feel your love. I don't feel your sincerity. I don't feel your concern. You say the words but you don't have the emotion. You don't have the action. I think at the end of the day we truly are alone. How is it that after 22 years of life I still don't have someone who really cares and is willing to stick with me through the good times and the bad times. I think this says something about people. We care, but to the extent that it doesn't inconvenience us.

Aside from this depressing thoughts, Today was really hard. I kept thinking about ending my life. This feeling just gets stronger and stronger. I don't want to deal with my responsibilities anymore. I just want to tell the world I'm done with you.

Cipralex has affected by appetite a lot lately. Foods I used to like make me nauseous and I don't feel like eating anymore. Even when I'm hungry the thought of food makes me feel sick. Today is day 16 for me. Next Wednesday I will be seeing the doctor again to follow up.

Rav

Meeting People LIke Me

My experience with depression has been very lonely. A part of me wants to spend time with people, but the other part of me doesn't. I don't feel like pretending to care about what my friends talk to me about. I think the hard thing right now is that my friends don't understand what it's like to be in my position. They don't understand what I'm feeling, and it just gets so tiring to try to explain to them every little thing. I know they try to understand and be supportive, and I'm grateful for that, but right now it's not enough. I want to meet people who are experiencing what I'm experiencing. I feel like that would be super helpful, and also therapeutic. I think we all want people in our lives who are like us, and I want to connect with people who are in the same position as me right now. I'm thinking of going to one of the depression support group events on meetup.com in Calgary. Maybe I can make some real friends through that who I can share with and who can share with me. I'm not very good at making friends, but I hope since it's a support group everyone will we be very inviting. 

Rav

7 days of cipralex

It's been 7 days since I started cipralex.

I have noticed that I feel more tired. I have nausea. I have a loss of appetite. My mouth is dry more than it used to be. I get headaches now. I haven't noticed a difference in my mood yet, but that will take some time. I will be seeing my doctor in two weeks for a follow up.



Rav

Do you know what it's like...

Do you know what it’s like…

To be the center of ridicule

To be called ugly

To be ignored

To be laughed at

To be judged

Do you know what’s it like…

To have people avoid sitting with you on the school bus

To have boys shout “ewww” when you walk by

To have girls snicker when you try to get by them

Do you know what it’s like…

To be called pregnant because you’re overweight

To be laughed at when you fall down the stairs

To always be picked last, and sometimes, never picked at all

Do you know what it’s like…

To be afraid to go to school because you don’t want to be seen

To be afraid to talk to people because you don’t want to be judged

To constantly try to hide so you can avoid hurtful words

Do you know what it’s like…

To not be able to make true friends

To have to bribe people with kindness and selfless acts to hang out with you

To have those same people stand in the background and join in the laughter when you get picked on

Do you know what it’s like…

To have parents who never understood why you are so reserved

To have parents think there’s something wrong with you when you wouldn’t talk

To have parents get frustrated with you when you try to explain how you feel because they think you’re just being weak

Do you know what it’s like…

To be bombarded with so many negative words and hurtful comments that you don’t think you deserve anything more than that

To expect everyone you meet to think you are the ugliest, fattest, most socially awkward person they have ever met

To believe you are the most worthless person alive

To believe you will never meet someone who will find you beautiful

To believe your life is worth nothing

Do you know what it’s like…

To wish every day when you wake up that you were not alive

To wish that you could have the courage to finally get in that car and turn it on and close the garage

To constantly think about slicing your skin with razor blades because the pain is a release

Do you know what it’s like…

To be so afraid of what people think of you that you have to pretend to be normal

To be so afraid to let people see who you really are because who you really are has only ever been criticized

To have to think before reacting because you need to make sure you don’t seem weird

Do you know what’ it’s like…

To have memories that are so painful you can’t help but cry every time you remember

To want to forget so much that you binge eat because you think that will make you happy when it only makes you feel worse

Do you know what it’s like…

To have gotten so used to being hurt your whole life that you don’t even feel anything anymore

To never know anymore what you really feel

To be empty inside

Do you know what it’s like…

To have everyday be a struggle

To feel like life is a battle that you lose more each day

To be scared that one day you actually will end it all because everyday is harder than the last day

You don’t know what I have been through. You don’t know what thoughts run through my mind, what memories I have. You don’t understand. Think twice before you judge me and assume why I feel the way I do, do the things I do, and am the way I am. 




Rav

I Wish I Could Freeze Time

I slept for 13 hours last night. I woke up at 12:30 pm. I had class at 9 am, but I didn't go. I didn't even try to go today. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to face the day. Just thinking about getting out of my bed and showering and eating breakfast and driving to school was so exhausting. So I chose the alternative, I stayed home and did nothing. I didn't even write my test that I had today. Sometimes I think I'm not cut out to keep up with this world. I just want to freeze time so I could actually do nothing and not feel guilty about it. I wish I could just stop everything and heal and then start everything again and not lose any time.

When I think about how the rest of my life might look like, waking up and going to a 9 to 5 job and taking care of a home, I just feel dread. I don't think I can do it. What's the point even? Life just gets more and more miserable and the increasing responsibility just becomes more and more overwhelming.

I wonder if I'll ever be in a position where I actually look forward to getting out of bed and doing what I need to do, or at least just not dreading any of it. I hope this medication helps with that. Today the only side effects I feel are dry mouth and I've had a constant headache all today, but I'm not sure if that's because of the medication.





Rav

No Motivation

There's a snow storm outside right now. All I want to do is lay in bed all day. I have studying to do, but I just don't feel like doing it. My test tomorrow is pretty important but I can't seem to muster up the motivation to crack open my textbook. I remember how much I used to study, I would pull all nighters to get A's. But now, I just want to do nothing. It's my last semester and I know I should be putting everything I have into these last few months, but I can't. I feel like a failure, and I hate disappointing my professors, but at times like these, I just don't care enough. Sometimes I wonder what happened to me. Why am I letting myself throw my life away. These thoughts just make me feel worse about myself. I try to remember that this isn't who I really am. This is just the depression. It's easier to say than to believe though.

I don't feel any nausea today. The only side effect from my medication right is the tiredness and dry mouth I guess. This is tolerable though.



Rav